Oh! Chimpanzee that! MONKEY NEWS!

This monkey cannot believe her ears!

From the Lofty Minds at the Oregon National Primate Research Center

And I quote:

The study on monkeys at the Oregon National Primate Research Center found no strong relationship between the level of food intake and weight gain.
The most active monkeys gained less weight despite being fed the same high-fat diet, researchers said.

Now, it is early, I admit, but am I the only one who notices several problems here?

I realize I am no expert like the geniuses at OHSU, but it certainly seems that there is a strong relationship between food intake and weight gain. Having one set of monkeys working out would seem to cause what we used to call "burning calories" and thus a drop in weight gain.

Now that the Christopher Reeve family has finally all been killed off and the reign of terror carried out by their lieutenants (OHSU and the ONPRC) finally at an end, thes exalted scientiests have moved past breaking monkey backs to "see what happens" and have moved in a more constructive direction. Unfortunately they seem to have dedicated themselves to the proving of what really didn't seem all that arcane.

I ran a study of my own a couple of weeks ago. Here are the results:

Researchers at bethefawn.com found that hitting ones self with a hammer had no direct realtionship to injury.
The researchers who hit themselves with hammers the least, however, seemed to suffer less injury overall.
One researcher who didn't hit himself with a hammer, even once, is reported not to have suffered any self-inflicted hammer injuries at all!

I have submitted my results to the proper authorities, but sadly the ONPRC and OHSU only invited me to become a patient, not a research fellow.

---

The Gathering is nigh, McLeod!

New Study Confirms Undereating Promotes Longevity

Some researchers have got it right.

A new study practiced caloric restriction (a topic I blogged about several months ago) on its subjects and found quite positive results.

A third group stuck to a very strict diet of 890 calories a day - which compares with UK guidelines for people with low activity levels of 1,640 calories for women and 2,550 for men. The volunteers on the fewest calories lost 14 per cent of their body weight on average over the six months...showed a fall in average core body temperature and reduced fasting insulin levels, both linked to living longer.

It seems that consumption of less food leads (shock!) to the consumption of fewer free radicals, and that in addition to the gerontological benefits of eating very little, one will also get less cancer.

So it seems I'm eating 110 more calories than I ought to (around 1,000), but I might be okay as I am not a sedentary monkey at OHSU, and am thus immune to gaining weight. Did I get that right?